Wednesday, October 6, 2010

#12 Peeing in Wetsuits

Surfers love nothing more than the feeling of a well stored up, heat emanating piss in their wetsuits. Not to be confused with some sick self-urination fetish, peeing in wetsuits is an essential element of the cold water surfing experience. It’s a win-win scenario that translates into more time in the water while warming the vital areas to boot. It also tends to validate and encourage the most guttural and immature behavior in even the most refined surfing circles. Surfers can’t help but crack a few bathroom humor jokes and innuendos all while peeing mere feet away from their floating bro-gatta. Whatever the case may be, it sure beats high tailing it out of the water to find a suitable bathroom or inconspicuous bush to do the deed. That’s a load of sissy piss!!!

Surfers bear witness to some pretty harsh conditions bobbing around in the oceanic abyss. Despite advances in wetsuit technology, it doesn’t hurt to pull out the urea reserves on a cold winter’s dawn patrol to warm the ol’ boys and girls. In fact, instead of adhering to the mantra of “hitting the ground running”, surfers often subscribe to “hitting the water pissing” as their golden compass. It starts the surf sesh off right and tends to smooth out the kinks like a therapeutic hot tub in your crotch. Some surfers (names excluded, you know who you are!) bear no shame and will urinate high and dry before they even reach the water’s edge. This may be viewed by some as disgusting and grotesque but it just goes to show that there really is no rhyme or reason to the ‘peeing in your wetsuit’ manifesto. The entire process is quite laissez faire; translation – anything goes!

Surfers are not typically a finicky bunch, but when faced with the prospect of borrowing or buying another surfers’ used wetsuit the inherent knowledge of what goes on down yonder in the nether regions of ones’ wetsuit becomes a bit too much burden to bear. In fact, for most surfers the act of using another surfers’ wetsuit is outright taboo, off limits. As a result, this whack market trade of borrowing and buying used wetsuits is generally relegated to those who haven’t a clue about whose messy stew they’re now conjoined at the hip with. “Better wash that thing first, eh bra?”

Surfers are faced with numerous split-second decisions to make during any given surf sesh: (i.e. do I air drop this wave and risk eating it?; should I stall for the barrel or race the section for an air?; do I pee now or pee later?). The choices abound for the ever calculating, multi-tasking, bladder toting surfer. Alas, the only real drawback to peeing in a wetsuit besides its “Eu De Pepe Le Pew” like apr├Ęs surf sesh fragrance lies in deciding when to pee. As if Poseidon himself were vexing surfers for peeing on his fishies, surfers are routinely caught blindsided by a set wave that rears its frothy, pee interrupting head right smack dab in the middle of doing ones business. Nothing is more Zen destroying and bladderly abrasive than stopping the flow midstream as any surfer can attest to. Because of this anomaly, it is not uncommon to see surfers seemingly pass up perfect waves as they scurry to head off their internal flood gates. When called out on missing the wave of the day they’ll unanimously chant; “hey man, I was peeing!”

Surfers will continue to pee circles around each other in lineups the world over and wonder in vain if that warm pocket of water they’re sitting in is really warm water or just another pool of someone else’s piss. Much to the relief of surfers, there is actually very little to worry about. Pee is one of the most sterile liquids out there comprised of roughly 95% water and assorted salts and proteins. So when considering peeing in a wetsuit, surfers must realize that pee is not your enemy, it is your friend. Just make sure to wash the soiled thing from time to time! Without basic care, a wetsuit can quickly become a roving porta potty- a real purveyor of stank if not rinsed regularly with water and soap. Moral of the story, don’t ever let it get to that point – scrub it kook! Peeing in wetsuits is meant to be an enjoyable, convenient experience for every surfer in need of a good tinkle or two. Next time nature calls in the lineup, feel free to take a load off – let it flow, embrace your inner pee!

* Warning * – “Booty Juice”; a common by-product of peeing in one’s wetsuit comprised of urine and toe-jam found in a surfers’ booty should not be taken lightly! “Booty Juice” is not to be ingested nor taste tested and should only be used against others when insulted by exceptionally demeaning “Yo Mama” jokes or in ritualistic Grom hazing scenarios.


1 comment:

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